Of Course I Want To

Wanting to however doesn’t quite cut it.

Yes, I do, I do, I do want to write.

Of course I do.

So what is blocking me?

What is it that’s stopping me?

Maybe I’m just “not a writer!”,

and that’s all there is to it.

Come on now, that’s not the answer.

So,

Why haven’t I written anything new for months.

Why?

Why?

As I said, I want to. Of course, I do.

Or do I?

Because, if I wanted to, I would, right?

Well, yes, maybe.

I can give myself loads of excuses for not writing.

A large family that keeps me busy.

That’s true enough, but I was making time before.

I’ve been giving more attention to my spiritual life,

to my prayer,

to spending time with Jesus.

Another trap.

I don’t do any better in this regard,

whether I’m writing or not.

And then there’s imposter syndrome.

I tell myself “I’m not that good anyway,

who wants to read the rubbish I write?”

That’s pretty REAL!!

And another good one, “I’ve got nothing interesting to say”

And so on …and on and on …

I bore myself…

Oh, and I really need to get the book out of the way.

My memoir.

It’s written and I’m just it tidying up now.

This is a real one.

No, it is, HONESTLY!!!

This is the block.

THIS MUST BE THE BLOCK.

Or , at least, I think it is.

I have to finish with it.

I don’t feel free to write anything else, cannot think

of another piece of writing while the memoir hangs

over me, a mountain cloud, heavy with a darkness

I can’t see through.

I need to be rid of it.

I need the sun to shine again, to lift me into the air.

So, I’d better get on with it, hadn’t I?

I’ve neglected my

morning pages ( Julia Cameron — The Artists Way).

I’m going to make the effort to get to them, at least,

and hopefully get back into the zone.

What is blocking you?

Would you like to talk about it?

(Update:

I have now finished the last “look through” and now it goes off.

Maybe I’ll have some news to share in a little while)